Many clients I work with take things in their lives and relationships personally. When I first introduce the concept that many things they think are personal really are not personal, I hear responses such as:
"How could I not take it personally? I am the one being rejected!"
"It's not someone else she's angry with, it is me so how is that not personal?"
Are you surprised to hear that none of these situations are personal? If you've heard this concept before then you won't be surprised to hear me say none of it is personal. But, if this is the first time you've been introduced to this concept, you are probably thinking I must me crazy and how could it not be personal in all of these situations? Let's find out why it's not.
The truth is nothing anyone else says or does is really about you; only you can make it about you if it fits your own self-belief system or if you choose to let it be personal. So, in the case where the person is feeling rejected you may wonder how it is not personal when it feels so personal. The truth is if someone is "rejecting" another person, it is about the person doing the rejecting more than the person feeling rejected. "Rejected" is defined as: to refuse to accept or consider, or to deny. There are many reasons someone may reject another person. The person may not feel worthy of the other person's love or may not have the same feelings about the person to have a relationship, or many other reasons but it isn't about the other person, it is about where the "rejecter" is in his/her life. The truth is the person who feels rejected is no different than before he/she met the other person. If one person considers the person beautiful and wonderful and another does not feel the same about her, is she any different in either case? No, she remains the same and only she can decide which person she decides to agree with and that will be based on her own self-beliefs.
Another example is the person is angry with me not someone else. Ok, so let's say the person is angry because her husband did not take out the garbage as he promised to do. Is his not taking out the garbage about her? No. When I delve deeper in every case of someone being angry about a broken agreement, it usually comes down to the person taking it as the husband not caring or not loving her enough to take out the garbage (or whatever the task may be). However, if you ask the husband, he usually just forgot, got sidetracked or has an issue with keeping his agreements. In all of these cases, it isn't about the wife; it is truly about the husband and his own personal issues based on his life experience.
In life we take so many things personally and yet it can cause us each so much pain when we do. I'm not saying that if a person decides they want to be with someone else or they don't feel the same as we do that we won't experience a sense of loss or sadness. Most of us will feel a sense of loss if we genuinely care for the other person. However, it is about us not getting what we wanted (to be with that person) or not being able to spend time with that person anymore and it only becomes "personal" if we choose to make it about us personally. I know there are many scenarios that people can come up with that seem personal and it can appear that way initially, however, once one peels the onion so to speak, the underlying cause is never personal unless we let it be. Here is an example from another viewpoint. If I am criticizing another person, it is I who am criticizing. I then become a criticizer. I can choose to find another way to express myself if I feel bothered by someone's behavior, but it still comes down to my being bothered. So, remember that each and every action we make or words we speak are all our actions and words and represent who we are because we are the ones choose those actions and words. See, it isn’t personal at all.